Archive | September, 2014

Why failure is not an option

18 Sep

‘The Grand Old Duke of York.  He had 10,000 men, he marched them up to the top of the hill and he marched them down again…’ Who’d have thought that I’d find anything in common with the Grand Old Duke.  Yet I’ve been thinking about him a lot as I’ve walked up and down and down and up my local Cotswold hills in preparation for China.

So the good news is that I feel more prepared than I was for my Great Wall of China trek, but the bad news is that I don’t feel anywhere near prepared enough and now it’s only three weeks away.

I have hit a deep low this last week or so and have feared that I’ve made a dreadful mistake signing up.   However much people keep telling me that I will be fine and that it will be awesome (it undoubtedly will), I’ve been really doubting my ability to take on those steps.  I mean walking up Borough tube stairs still hurts for goodness sake.  I think I would feel better physically and mentally if I could fit in more training but with a packed schedule at work, combined with my 5 hour commutes, I am finding it hard to fit it in.  On top of all of that, my left foot has started to swell up again so that hasn’t helped either!

oxfordshire wayMy darling husband has been a star, as ever, not moaning as I disappear for yet another long walk at weekends but I know that two of my three children are feeling my absence.  The youngest expresses it but the middle one just disappears with friends.  Perhaps it’s me that is missing him?  The eldest is fine thankfully – university is beckoning.    I don’t desperately want to leave my family right now.  But I am doing this for a reason: to raise awareness and to try and galvanize support for Bowel Cancer UK’s work to improve the treatment and care of people with advanced disease through our Time for Guts campaign and our interlinking Never too Young campaign.

The fundraising has been tough too – the same wonderful people support but I’ve tried reaching out to others who I know well, some of whom are financially very well placed to support and so far radio silence. Others who I thought I could rely upon for their support (moral as much as financial!) haven’t come through.  Of course, every hurdle is a challenge I will take on but if I’m honest it has felt really difficult.   It hasn’t helped that it has coincided with our annual planning and our annual frustration that there is so much more we would like to do as a charity but can’t do because of our lack of scale.

Charlotte KitleyI never need reminders about why what I/we are trying to do matters but I got them anyway, these last few weeks.  There seems to have been a lot of bad news amongst my circle of patient friends.  It’s included the terrible news about the passing of 36 year old Charlotte Kitley.  Charley and I never met but I read her blogs, chatted with her and was full of respect for her positivity and determination.   I highly recommend you read her blog “Palliative care shouldn’t mean the end of living”, it seems to sum her up really.

A couple of days ago, I sat in a park and sobbed as I read her final blog “and so there must come an end”.  It’s a tough read because as she says:

“I have so much life I still want to live, but know I won’t have that.  I want to be there for my friends as they move on with their lives, see my children grow up and become old and grumpy with Rich.  All these things are to be denied to me”

Yet it’s also full of sage advice and her trademark positivity.  She was generous, kind and determined.  Even just a few days before she died she was urging me to share her story if it would help save others.

No-one should have to write that beautiful moving goodbye because of bowel cancer.  It can be cured but early diagnosis makes that so much more possible.  Charley was diagnosed too late.

So to the radio interviewer who once asked me if bowel cancer got less support because it was less emotive, listen to the stories.  They will make your heart melt. No cancer is sexy and each cancer patient is a person first and foremost with a life, family, friends, hopes and dreams.  The site of their tumour should be immaterial to the support on offer to them.

My inner struggle made me go back to one of my favourite quotes from Barack Obama:

‘ Making your mark on the world is hard. If it were easy, everybody would do it. But it’s not. It takes patience, it takes commitment, and it comes with plenty of failure along the way. The real test is not whether you avoid this failure, because you won’t. It’s whether you let it harden or shame you into inaction, or whether you learn from it; whether you choose to persevere.’

Well clearly I’m no Barack Obama, yet the essence of his message can be applied to so many situations.  In remembering this, I have felt a little ashamed that I have allowed myself to wallow, to feel defeated, stupid, humiliated.  This is so not about me – it never has been, never will be – it’s always about others and a desire to make positive change.

I will push through the dark fog, I will succeed, I will take on this ridiculous trek and climb those steps, I WILL do this for Charley.

The Star of Hope: an international symbol for bowel cancer

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